‘A little, but a lot’ Confession

Have you ever heard of the phrase “Don’t judge a book by its cover”?

Or have you ever heard of the phrase “There’re a lot more about the person than what the eyes can tell”?

Well this is my confession and my deep secrets that I have been buried long time ago.

If you know me, you would have stared at me in awe because of my achievements and what I have done so far in life. Yet, if you really, truly, wholly know me, my raw and naked soul, I bet your perception will change. Who I am today is a combination of everything I have been through. A lot of people look at me, and probably they wish they could have my life. Little did they know that just like them, I wish for a life with a peaceful night and day, which is free of any guilt and agony.

People make mistakes in life, tons of it. I know there is no such thing as a perfect life, nor do the life without mistakes or failures. They said mistakes are experiences we need to learn from in order to move on and grow. I agree to this statement only to some extend. There are mistakes that once you did it, it will be there to keep haunting you and put you in guilt. I guess the issue lies in “acceptance”. No matter how many times we say we have learned from our mistakes, if we do not truly accept what has happened, we will never be able to move forward.

My first confession is I would like to tell you is that I am not as perfect or ‘The have-it-all together’ as I might appear to you. I must agree to the saying that ‘We cannot have it all’.

I made a big mistake in my life, and this mistake keeps haunting me until now. I know I have learned from my mistake, but I just could not push myself to get over it even it has been decades already. Some mistakes are meant to teach us a lesson in a hard way, the kind of lesson that buried you with a sense of guilt. Because I know if I could turn back time, the first thing I would do is to go and make a better ending. I would go and mend all the broken things I have caused.

I would say it was not all gloomy in my life; probably it is a blessing in disguise. Because of the guilt that I have injected inside me ever since then, I was able to push myself so hard in most of the aspects in life especially academic and career. I thought that the best thing that I could mend what I have broken was to keep up the good work and being so independent in a hope that I would not add more burdens to my people. I was able to survive on my own without the help of anyone, but me, and I always did my very best and made my people proud of me. Then I become like a role model to everyone. As I grow older, I keep pushing myself harder and harder. I have never once made my parents or the rest of the family disappointed in me no more.

You know what? I thought by keeping things to myself, it would make my parents not to worry anything about me. I thought I was wrong. I grow up being alone, and lost my closest and most favorite person since I was 10. Ever since then, I grow so distant from everyone. I isolate myself, and I keep things to myself. There are times that I want to verbally express how I feel to the people around me, but I could not find the words. There are times that I want to be like other kids that I was be able to hug my mom and told her what bothers me and what makes me so sad, but I could not. It is not because I hate my mom, or I hate other people, or I hate being weak to them, but deep down, it is because of that guilt I injected in myself. You would not relate it unless it happened to you, but it is a punishment I gave myself because of the crime I have committed. I punish myself by not letting my emotions and personal feelings expressed to my people in a hope that by doing so, I would make them less worry about me, and it would lessen their burdens of what I had put them through. I guess I was not all wrong, but I was not all right either by doing so. The truth about my people is that they are still worrying about my well-being and me, but they decided to not forcing and let me be what I want to be.

It would not be right to say that a person is a combination of just one or two factors. I think there are many more, and some of them are unidentified. My second confession is that I am autistic in a mild level, which means unlike other normal people out there, I have a trouble in socializing and communicating with people in a deeper level. I do not really understand a signal or confusing implication that people give me, and I do not always get the joke that my friends tell me about. This does not mean that I cannot comprehend and understand what people are saying, but it means that to some levels, I am not able to relate to the same level as what other people do. I prefer things to be straightforward especially when it comes to emotions and the feelings.

My third confession is that I have trust issue. I have a serious trust issue. I struggle so hard to be able to open and believe people. I would randomly go and give people I want to interact with in a deeper level a set of test, and if they past the test, I assume that I can be able to open up to them little by little. However, I do not think my way of doing this is logical and rational because how can you validate a human being’s trustworthiness by just a set of questions? What if they did not answer to me accurately? How could I know if they were honest of what they are telling? Even after a while of testing many people, I did not seem to be so satisfied with that and still was not being able to trust people as I think I would. I did not mean to harm or hurt people’s pride, but my past experiences have shaped me to be this fearful. However, I know I cannot use this as an excuse and continue to hurt people’s pride with my testing things. I decided to stop because this test probably has pushed many people away from me too. 

My last confession is that if you look at me as an economist, I am very logical and rational, but somehow I am being too rational and become indecisive with some decisions in life. I use a way that I use to analyze business operation to analyze people, and you know it is not working right? I am a very well-organized and self-disciplined person. I am not the type to go with the flow; I have everything well-prepared and planned, and all figured out. I think it works most of the time in life especially in the academic and work life. Yet, once I applied it in other aspect especially love, I think it does not work quite right. It is not quite accurate and effective.

The annoying thing about me is that I have timing for everything even to my feeling. I will set myself time for when to talk or when to approach to someone, and how long I am going to approach them again after the first talk. I thought by being well-prepared and planned, and have timing for everything, I had it all figured out, but maybe I was too confident. The things that I have never have it all figured out are my heart and my feelings. I know there is no timer I can set for when to feel something. If it is there, it is there no matter how hard I try to deny or resist. One worst thing is that I think I know what I want, and how I feel, but I’m still indecisive to make a clear decision to that. It is like I do not want to have it now, but I do not want to lose it either. Therefore, I keep complicating how I feel and what I should do. 

My big confession is here.

I mean I want to say that I am a human and I have feelings too. I mess up. I made mistakes. I carry on with one permanent scar and the guilt I have mentioned earlier. I do get upset. I do not have everything figured out like you think I do. I have flaws. I have voids. My biggest confession is I really really do want to break free. I want to live with no pain and guilt. I want to be able to accept things as it is, forgive myself, and move forward. There is a void screaming inside me that I desperately want all of these. I want to be able to live freely and happily again regardless of what has happened. Just because I have never admitted this, it does not mean I have never thought about it. I was just too afraid to even admit it. 

I have been trying to break free, and I know I will make it one day. I know things will be all right. I will turn my sorrows and pains into something beautiful, and these experiences of mine will be my bedtime stories for my daughters. Until then, I want to be confidently and proudly share my stories to my daughter, and I want to make my pain into something beautiful and worth learning to her.

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